I've just been, tired, and I have a lot to get off my chest

This past year has been a fucking nightmare for me, I've felt constant dread and misery online and IRL due to personal reasons, arguments with my family, some IRL trolls trying to "GET BACK AT ME" for some drama they knew nothing about, a community I was a part of just beginning to fall apart due to some drama I and a former friend got into. and just me being fucking homeless for two years/being an incompetent asshole!

I've felt fatigued and miserable because of it, and my behavior and sanity have gotten a heavy toll, the only thing keeping me remotely sane or even alive in some cases is.. well working on Vs Nova

just gonna say it, last year SUCKED, the only good thing that came out was a fucking FNF mod and some animated movies I haven't seen yet (and the Sonic 2 movie, almost forgot). when I was working on Vs Nova 2.0 that year, my PC just fucking shat itself, and I accidentally deleted all of my data and couldn't recover it. which lead to a big chunk of non-archived shit for the mod being lost through that and some incompetence on my part

thankfully the year ended with Hypno's Lullaby 2.0 kinda releasing, even though it got canned. IMO 2021 was such a better year, even though that's when I became homeless. FNF mods were awesome 90% of the time, and even though I was homeless, we did take a trip across the country for a while, and that was pretty fun NGL. I got into Owl House around that time and it was fun as fuck to catch a new episode on my MFing shitty laptop on Owlhouseclub.net or whatever it was called. and Deltarune Chapter 2 was released... and I was actually making friends at my new school at the time. yeah even though I was still homeless things were pretty great...

then fucking 2022 happened, and things just got worse. FNF-wise, the community was falling apart, Sonic.exe had that stupid as fuck drama and the mod was actively getting worse. which was leading to FNF just getting worse alongside it. The base game was seeing delays and shit, and I feel bad for The Funkin' team, if you guys are reading this, I hope you guys are able to release the next update whenever you're ready to do so, and I hope things get better.

IRL for me, shit got rough, we moved to a fucking shelter for the whole year, which made me fucking lose it almost every two seconds being in the same room with my family 70% of the time. my grades began to drop, which lead to this year being the worse year for me grades-wise. and most of my friends I made last year just stopped talking to me. oh yeah, and Knightwatched SUCKED FUCKING ASS. even when I got shit done, the team just didn't wanna fucking work. our final episode didn't get released because the teacher said we rushed it. and the segment I made where I reviewed one of Kawaiisprite's albums didn't get released (actually I'm glad it didn't get released, it felt just as rushed as the rest of the episode). like last year had some great fucking episodes. but even without the new "every segment has to be 3 minutes at maximum", this team just didn't get shit done, I'm also at fault for not focusing on writing scripts/taking orders/and just forgetting basic instructions due to my low attention span.

and to top it all off, last fucking year I was going through so much mental anguish and turmoil. due to internet communities, I was in, my family still not caring about my mental health at times, or me just being extremely moody with them. and me feeling this guilt that's been haunting me since 2021. I don't think I've been able to contact a proper therapist to help me with my mental health since it's been getting to unsafe levels.

when 2022 ended, I thought a light would be at the end of the tunnel, but it also began to spiral back down for a bit.

I started to lose friendships with friends online due to drama. and this just added to this guilt I've felt for two fucking years. I'd feel bad and let horrible people back in, which I should've done, and it's just led to me being in even more trauma and pain. I remember one day I got home and got into another argument with my mom. I had a panic attack prior and she had a fucking hissy fit about me bothering people when I couldn't FUCKING BREATH (and that feather method from Celeste wasn't helping so I was fucking losing hope) and then she left the room, and I finally broke down crying, I was going to talk to my friend about this, but while I was typing, tears came down my face and I..... it felt good but I just still felt horrible. my friend online calmed me down and she talked to me about all of this... thank you Leslie, you actually helped me through a really tough time

I think I remember writing a poem about that experience. Ressurections was that poem, it’s still up on this very Newgrounds page.

Just this guilt, it’s made me feel like I can’t feel happy making a choice without regretting it two seconds later. I’ve stopped taking care of myself due to laziness, and I’ve felt even more guilty. I feel like people view me as some stereotype or just a freak IRL. and this guilt becomes resentment, and that resentment becomes misery, and that misery is fucking torture. And it just makes me pissed off and mad at people constantly. And then people get annoyed with my moody behavior. And I get mad at them for getting mad at me. And it fucking just cycles in on itself and I WANT TO TO FUCKING STOP FOR PETE’S SAKE

I just feel anxious all the time, no not that, I’m straight up just paranoid now. About everything. I can’t let out these feelings anymore, without people hating me it feels. doesn’t help that my mom is super out of touch half of the time, and just calls me lazy or a “DRAMA QUEEN” which makes me so mad when she calls me that. No matter how much I let out, all of these emotions are like an endless handbag known as my imagination. I create art I’m proud of, but also all these intrusive thoughts get to me. They never leave my head, but I can’t do anything without some intrusive thoughts bothering me. I feel like I’m not in control.

This toxic side of me wants to control my every move and just make me a just a GREAT person to be around ( I mean that sarcastically if you couldn’t tell)

I always feel like it’s over, but this toxic side doesn’t go away. I hurt everyone around because of it. Or they hurt me because of it.

I just want to stop being a shut-in, I want to be around people without being uncomfortable or feeling mini panic attacks. I want to be in a relationship with a woman who loves me unconditionally and can save me from this toxic hellscape, I want to actually be able to start HRT so my body isn’t extremely Masculine and disgusting. I want people to stop judging me for wanting to take said HRT and realize how happier I’d be with god forbid a non-flat chest. I want people to stop seeing me as a creep or a weirdo just because my posture or body looks different to these assholes. I want my fucking mom to stop telling me “YOU JUST WANT VALIDATION” or assuming things about me and thinking she’s right all the time. I JUST WANT TO STOP FEELING SO VULNERABLE

I’d say “Sorry for all this melodrama” or something fucking stupid like that. But like I’m up to here with me and these fucking shitty people I surround myself with

Everyone on the Nova server has been super supportive and actually cares about my mental health. Unlike some others. I just feel like I’m losing control of myself and am becoming a toxic person due to letting my anxiety turn me into it’s fucking PUPPET ON A STRING…

I’m hoping I can see a therapist soon. I’m sick of being so incompetent and annoying to everyone I meet. Sorry, I’m a helpless dumbass. At least you all like my art

It’s now almost 5 am… school is in like 2 fucking hours. I feel so empty, I want pasta….

I’m so hungry, I miss being able to eat

Stay funky I guess

-GiffanyCD