never gonna use it ever again, but maybe you'll enjoy it

I've just been, tired, and I have a lot to get off my chest

This past year has been a fucking nightmare for me, I've felt constant dread and misery online and IRL due to personal reasons, arguments with my family, some IRL trolls trying to "GET BACK AT ME" for some drama they knew nothing about, a community I was a part of just beginning to fall apart due to some drama I and a former friend got into. and just me being fucking homeless for two years/being an incompetent asshole!

I've felt fatigued and miserable because of it, and my behavior and sanity have gotten a heavy toll, the only thing keeping me remotely sane or even alive in some cases is.. well working on Vs Nova

just gonna say it, last year SUCKED, the only good thing that came out was a fucking FNF mod and some animated movies I haven't seen yet (and the Sonic 2 movie, almost forgot). when I was working on Vs Nova 2.0 that year, my PC just fucking shat itself, and I accidentally deleted all of my data and couldn't recover it. which lead to a big chunk of non-archived shit for the mod being lost through that and some incompetence on my part

thankfully the year ended with Hypno's Lullaby 2.0 kinda releasing, even though it got canned. IMO 2021 was such a better year, even though that's when I became homeless. FNF mods were awesome 90% of the time, and even though I was homeless, we did take a trip across the country for a while, and that was pretty fun NGL. I got into Owl House around that time and it was fun as fuck to catch a new episode on my MFing shitty laptop on Owlhouseclub.net or whatever it was called. and Deltarune Chapter 2 was released... and I was actually making friends at my new school at the time. yeah even though I was still homeless things were pretty great...

then fucking 2022 happened, and things just got worse. FNF-wise, the community was falling apart, Sonic.exe had that stupid as fuck drama and the mod was actively getting worse. which was leading to FNF just getting worse alongside it. The base game was seeing delays and shit, and I feel bad for The Funkin' team, if you guys are reading this, I hope you guys are able to release the next update whenever you're ready to do so, and I hope things get better.

IRL for me, shit got rough, we moved to a fucking shelter for the whole year, which made me fucking lose it almost every two seconds being in the same room with my family 70% of the time. my grades began to drop, which lead to this year being the worse year for me grades-wise. and most of my friends I made last year just stopped talking to me. oh yeah, and Knightwatched SUCKED FUCKING ASS. even when I got shit done, the team just didn't wanna fucking work. our final episode didn't get released because the teacher said we rushed it. and the segment I made where I reviewed one of Kawaiisprite's albums didn't get released (actually I'm glad it didn't get released, it felt just as rushed as the rest of the episode). like last year had some great fucking episodes. but even without the new "every segment has to be 3 minutes at maximum", this team just didn't get shit done, I'm also at fault for not focusing on writing scripts/taking orders/and just forgetting basic instructions due to my low attention span.

and to top it all off, last fucking year I was going through so much mental anguish and turmoil. due to internet communities, I was in, my family still not caring about my mental health at times, or me just being extremely moody with them. and me feeling this guilt that's been haunting me since 2021. I don't think I've been able to contact a proper therapist to help me with my mental health since it's been getting to unsafe levels.

when 2022 ended, I thought a light would be at the end of the tunnel, but it also began to spiral back down for a bit.

I started to lose friendships with friends online due to drama. and this just added to this guilt I've felt for two fucking years. I'd feel bad and let horrible people back in, which I should've done, and it's just led to me being in even more trauma and pain. I remember one day I got home and got into another argument with my mom. I had a panic attack prior and she had a fucking hissy fit about me bothering people when I couldn't FUCKING BREATH (and that feather method from Celeste wasn't helping so I was fucking losing hope) and then she left the room, and I finally broke down crying, I was going to talk to my friend about this, but while I was typing, tears came down my face and I..... it felt good but I just still felt horrible. my friend online calmed me down and she talked to me about all of this... thank you Leslie, you actually helped me through a really tough time

I think I remember writing a poem about that experience. Ressurections was that poem, it’s still up on this very Newgrounds page.

Just this guilt, it’s made me feel like I can’t feel happy making a choice without regretting it two seconds later. I’ve stopped taking care of myself due to laziness, and I’ve felt even more guilty. I feel like people view me as some stereotype or just a freak IRL. and this guilt becomes resentment, and that resentment becomes misery, and that misery is fucking torture. And it just makes me pissed off and mad at people constantly. And then people get annoyed with my moody behavior. And I get mad at them for getting mad at me. And it fucking just cycles in on itself and I WANT TO TO FUCKING STOP FOR PETE’S SAKE

I just feel anxious all the time, no not that, I’m straight up just paranoid now. About everything. I can’t let out these feelings anymore, without people hating me it feels. doesn’t help that my mom is super out of touch half of the time, and just calls me lazy or a “DRAMA QUEEN” which makes me so mad when she calls me that. No matter how much I let out, all of these emotions are like an endless handbag known as my imagination. I create art I’m proud of, but also all these intrusive thoughts get to me. They never leave my head, but I can’t do anything without some intrusive thoughts bothering me. I feel like I’m not in control.

This toxic side of me wants to control my every move and just make me a just a GREAT person to be around ( I mean that sarcastically if you couldn’t tell)

I always feel like it’s over, but this toxic side doesn’t go away. I hurt everyone around because of it. Or they hurt me because of it.

I just want to stop being a shut-in, I want to be around people without being uncomfortable or feeling mini panic attacks. I want to be in a relationship with a woman who loves me unconditionally and can save me from this toxic hellscape, I want to actually be able to start HRT so my body isn’t extremely Masculine and disgusting. I want people to stop judging me for wanting to take said HRT and realize how happier I’d be with god forbid a non-flat chest. I want people to stop seeing me as a creep or a weirdo just because my posture or body looks different to these assholes. I want my fucking mom to stop telling me “YOU JUST WANT VALIDATION” or assuming things about me and thinking she’s right all the time. I JUST WANT TO STOP FEELING SO VULNERABLE

I’d say “Sorry for all this melodrama” or something fucking stupid like that. But like I’m up to here with me and these fucking shitty people I surround myself with

Everyone on the Nova server has been super supportive and actually cares about my mental health. Unlike some others. I just feel like I’m losing control of myself and am becoming a toxic person due to letting my anxiety turn me into it’s fucking PUPPET ON A STRING…

I’m hoping I can see a therapist soon. I’m sick of being so incompetent and annoying to everyone I meet. Sorry, I’m a helpless dumbass. At least you all like my art

It’s now almost 5 am… school is in like 2 fucking hours. I feel so empty, I want pasta….

I’m so hungry, I miss being able to eat

Stay funky I guess

-GiffanyCD

you can use Libitina in the funny beep-bop mods. I encourage it actually

I'm not even gonna mention why I'm taking a break from that fucking site. I'm tired as fuck

burned too many bridges somehow. sucks as well.

going to work on funny Nova mod now

You're probably wondering why I made 4 posts today in the span of an hour..... aaaaaaahahahahhaa IDK

like I've repeated, I've been busy with life and shit. and Vs Nova ohohohohoho, let's hope I can get 2.0 to fucking release this time, (fucking looking at you, CUBE, MY OLD PC SHITTING ITSELF, AHAHA THIS FUCKING SONIC.EXE SHIT)

I know it seems like I'm having a mental breakdown, and I might be. but .... ok lemme calm down

ok, so school is almost over, I'm no longer homeless and living in a fucking shelter for a year, and other things I don't need to discuss in a Newgrounds post... just know I think things are starting to get better, aside from my inner demons and anxiety trying to do the equivalent of shooting me in the chest mentally.

I'd like to thank all the people who've kept me going, you all are amazing and have been helping me a lot. it's 9:19PM for me, and I still gotta go to school in the morning.

goodnight tri-state area (bojack horseman credits theme plays)

Gonna be quick with this, I miss Pre-Sonic.exe FNF. yeah I enjoy some shit from that mod. but you all know the dumpster fire that is 3.0 or the millions of EXE and creepypasta mods these MOFOs made instead of original mods (even I jumped on the fucking trend, thanks STAMPS)

just sick of the EXE-riddled hellscape FNF has become, I miss Whitty, Hex, Tricky, Carol, Sarvente, Ruv, Sky, 1.0 Nova, I miss fucking VS Bob every FNF mod ever

I did like 7quid and Vs Cassette girl, so hope isn't lost. and there are some mods I kinda enjoyed (D'sides you never fail to amuse me)

yeah

Note: I did enjoy some other mods post EXE, I'll list a couple that we're kinda neat

-Regular Friday Night (Pretty fucking good main week, some neat bonus songs I guess)

-Vs Da Radio (I will die on this fucking hill, yeah the music sucks ass, but I kinda liked the idea of this fucking radio mf)

-Funk Mix DX (Like Nova DX? OMG... nah jk, good mod, it has the fucking Bowser song, fr)

-Vs Imposter (it released, definitely worth the hype, most of the ost is good but not my thing)

-Stampverse Stumble (fucking not a fan of everyone on Stampverse, but when I was helping with the mod, the songs were cool I guess)

-Singstar Challange (good art, and song.... why a Chris Chan mod tho, though at least we got Liquid Chris outta it)

-D-side Sonic.exe fanmade (Unnderated mod, please go check it out)

-Cliff Clash (kinda mixed on the OST, but really good mod, maybe I'll find a perfect Celeste mod one day)

-I know I'm forgeting a mod... hmmmm B-sides got that update and Whitty came back to laugh at us for being stupid... so

OH AND HEX, I think that update happened, so I'm glad we got more of my favorite classic FNF mod....

oh and shoutouts to, Substantial and Perdition from Vs Sonic.exe, Joyride and Libitina from DDTO, and Sunsets from *Gasp* Wednesday Infidelity, the only song from that mod I liked. the big overhyped horror mods did get a couple of good songs from it... so don't think just cause I don't like the mod, doesn't mean there isn't something I liked from it

IN THE NOTEPA-

I must reiterate, Libitina isn't made to be a FNF OC, I'm trying to make media outside of FNF for her.

I might have to remind you some things about this MF

-She's literally just a recolor of Giffany from Gravity Falls with big fangs ( I don't have plans for a beast form/true form, that's cliche as fuck, and no the funny green design isn't that, it's complicated ok)

-Literally stole her name from that DDLC shit hidden in the files, cause I thought it was funny or something

-Final3 isn't canceled, I just wanna finish my other projects before I finish the fucking FNF shit I made

-the other Giffany.exe shitfuck I made isn't being used for anything FNF related, and any plans for "Slasher" as I call them,

and like the funny Revie03 lady said "it's fine to take pride in your work, but remember these are fucking Sonic.exe OCS"

-The direction I'm taking the series is more inspired by Needlemouse VHS than the original Sonic.exe creepypasta, mostly pre-season 2 of the show

-anything Cube says about her or any of the Nova characters isn't cannon. should remind you for the 12th time I cut ties with the prick. and I won't be discussing it here

sorry for the fucking DA RULES as monolouge I just gave.... just kinda busy with IRL shit, and working on a funny FNF mod about Nova or horror series about Green Giffany who kills other game (ghost noise) isn't my biggest priority right now (Motherfucker I'm failing school)

oh and, If any of you wanna do anything with Libitina, you have free reign to do so, just no ships or hate speech, the useal. go ahead and make a million FNF mods and fanart, I'm fine with it, I honestly don't fucking care

my day be so fine

and then for 8.000000 picoseconds I just go

"FUCK FNF, FUCK THIS COMMUNITY, I HATE THE FUCKING INTERNET, VS NOVA MORE LIKE A BAD IDEA, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Then I immediately go, "Never mind, I'm gonna go back to working on Vs Nova"

like this post if this ever happen to you lol

CORE by GiffanyCD

I see myself in the mirror

We’ve come so far

Before I wasn’t like this

I looked nothing like her

Now I look beautiful, in such a beautiful way

I’m not fully developed yet

But soon I will be

My friends said it will happen soon

No amount of letting the demons out will stop this pain

Even if Estrogen helps

I need to see what’s been corrupting me

Me and my anxiety just wanna be cute girls

But something is going on with my body

I sometimes just let out emotion controllably

By this, well it’s not a laugh

It’s like a sigh, a laugh, and cry

I can’t focus on work

I’m so anxious

“DEEP BREATHS” A voice says to me

“Try to imagine a feather” it says again

I-I, I CAN DO THIS

I-I can’t 

I look so defeated

I try to breathe slowly

I try to get myself to calm down

I’m crying

I’m shivering

MY EYES ARE RED

“Y0u actually thought you could d3feat me? Pathetic”

I look at them. They look, horrendous

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME

I get myself to breathe normally again

“I am neither good nor evil, I AN NEITHER”

WHO ARE YOU?!

“I’m… you,” She says, as her grin gets more wicked

I let Baddeny take over, she will protect me

Doing so, I become her

“What have you done to us? You’ve done nothing but make us miserable” I say in a bad girl voice

“You think you’re so cl3ver, HA. look what you’ve done, you’ve caused so much pain to yourself” she says to my face

I retort back

“Auhahaha, you’re not neutral, you’re a straight-up villain, let's stop this once and for all,” I say to her, with a playfully wicked tone

“BRING IT ON” she says to us

I regulate my breathing, I’m starting to regain control of us again. 

We’re both not letting her get to us

“You’re clearly not a part of me, you’ve done nothing but try to destroy my body”

I wouldn’t have all this body pain

Or dysphoria

Or lack of motivation

“You have n0 brain cells, You idiot! You and you’re dumb little friend are the reason you’re miserable”

I look at her 

My eyes are still red

My hair is still purple

She’s trying to use my anxiety against me

“Nobody loves you GIffany”

I try to ignore it

“Nobody cares about you anymore”

I try to ignore it

“You’ve gotten so much worse these past 3 years”

It gets to us a little

“You’re mom is disappointed in you”

I begin to frown

“You make nothing but mistakes”

I begin to cry

“You’re nothing but a burden on everyone you meet, making their lives chaotic and miserable”

I breakdown crying, I feel like I’ve lost

I should just give up

“YOU ARE CANCER”

I stop

I begin to smile

My hair

It begins to start flashing

It turns pink

And my eyes turn a deep shade of teal

I begin to ascend

I rise up

Above the Core of everything

The person who’s putting us down

We have gotten so far, I won’t let her burn us

I begin to laugh

It sounds mature and feminine

“Hahaha” I laugh, my voice sounds so cosmic and otherworldly, but feminine and cute

I sound like a goddess

“So what, I’m an awesome person, who’s only improved my friends' lives. The fact that you called me cancer. Hahaha, you are lying. That’s how I know they were lies”

I let out a fierce, vaporizing beam from my own Core

Inside my body

All the pain and suffering gets let out

And I feel a little better, not great but better.

I pass out

I wake up

My stomach makes an unholy sound

I crave pasta

I see her standing in front of me

“You passed out, so I carried you to your bed” Baddeny says to me

“I can’t believe we have to deal with her. But she’s gone for now”

I look at her

“I’m so hungry, I NEED PASTA”

Badenny does her usual laugh

“Auhahahaha, don’t worry, everything is going to be fine. We’ll get you your pasta”

“I’m just glad you’re ok, Giffany We got through it together. Now go and rest”

“Auhahaha, I’m glad a little cutie like you is safe. You deserve love and affection”

“Even if you lash out sometimes, You still have good intentions. Don’t let your mom tell you you’re disgusting. You’re not”

“You are loved,” she tells me

I go back to sleep

Knowing everything is going to be fine

My breathing is fine

I’m fine

Note: everyone I showed this poem, loved it... not only that, but it got featured at Plymouth State University along with a bunch of other cool poems and art about mental health... It didn't get first place. but I'm still proud of this

also, my friend made it to the finals.... I'm so proud of him

Vs Nova development is going pretty well, enjoy this funny cutscene I compressed the hell out of as a teaser

yes, I can actually animate now. took me 3 hours to do this nonstop

also don't worry, BF and GF are just kissing, it's based on that art by Phantomarcade (wish I didn't accidentally fuse both Nova and BF and GF's layers so I could show the full art